


Broken Wings

by Waning_Grace



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Character Bleed, Dean Winchester Thinks Castiel is Dead, Gen, Grieving Dean Winchester, Post-Episode: s13e02 The Rising Son, Tattoo AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-31 01:28:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13964403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waning_Grace/pseuds/Waning_Grace
Summary: Being here has been something that’s been tickling the back of Jensen's brain for weeks now…ever since he finished filming the tattoo parlor scene with Jared and Alex. So what's stopping him from going through with the idea?In which Jensen contemplates getting a tattoo and realizes that it may be more for Dean than he initially thinks.





	Broken Wings

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: This story has been a long time coming and if it wasn't for my amazing beta, NovaMitchell, it probably never would have been finished. This one is different from my other stories in that it is an AU born from the tumblr speculation last summer regarding Jensen Ackles first tattoo; more specifically the idea that he was getting angel wings due to Castiel's death. It is purely fantasy and is not meant to demean, diminish, or otherwise provoke negativity towards the absolutely lovely tattoo Jensen actually got for his daughter JJ.

 

 

“I probably shouldn’t be doing this,” Jensen admits out loud to himself, his doubts seeming to echo loudly in the otherwise quiet confines of the vehicle. Outside rain is coming down and the strong pattering of it hitting the vehicle’s roof is enough of an answer in that it really isn’t one at all. Now that the words are out there, spoken aloud, he can’t stop the deluge of doubts from crowding in fast and furious behind them. The truth of the matter, when he stops for more than a minute to examine it is this: deep down Jensen knows he really _shouldn’t_ be doing this. He knows _why_ he’s doing it—and that’s a whole story on its own—yet he knows how rabid the show’s fans can be and no matter how he tries to convince and console himself otherwise he knows they’ll be all over this like moths drawn to a burning bulb. So why is it so hard to let go of the damned idea? A growl echoes around the interior followed by a sigh as Jensen brings up a hand to run through his hair in agitation.

 

Yeah, he knows the risks going in here, but even with all that in the front of his head it’s done very little to sway him away from this venture. Being here—the idea behind it—has been something that’s been tickling the back of his brain for weeks now…ever since he finished filming the tattoo parlor scene with Jared and Alex. In it Dean wasn’t scripted to get a tattoo, hell he wasn’t even the one showing off his tattoo since the plan had been to show Sam had his anti-possession tattoo restored, yet somewhere deep-down Jensen felt (and still feels) like Dean should have gotten one as well.

 

Maybe it’s the mass of conflicting emotions of trying to play Dean broken and beaten down and then trying to go on acting normally when they aren’t filming, but the idea of Dean getting a tattoo simply won’t leave Jensen alone. It doesn’t feel like it would be out of character considering how far Dean’s gone since they lost Cas either. Even though he already knows Cas will be back (and thank god because he doesn’t think he could keep going the way Dean is now) Dean doesn’t know that and the whole thing is messing with his head something fierce. The hilarious thing is this isn’t even the hundredth time he’s gotten so deep into Dean’s head he’s needed a shovel to dig his way back out—something Danneel never fails to tease him about. Still, this feels different than it normally does when he gets caught up in Dean’s thoughts and feelings—the weight of Dean’s unending grief is like a heavy blanket on his mind blocking out everything else and dragging him right down with it.

 

“Okay, we’re going to do this.”  Jensen says out loud, feeling more like Dean’s the one doing the talking rather than himself trying for what must be the lamest pep talk ever. “Ain’t nothing to worry about—who the hell cares what anyone else says?” It may be weird and thank fuck he’s sitting here alone rather than having someone here to witness to the fact he’s talking to himself and yet not at the same time. It’s weird as hell, no doubt about it but somehow, it’s the last bit of motivation he needs to get out there and do this thing. Feeling somewhat cheered, Jensen drums his hands on the steering wheel like Dean does and quirks a grin to himself as he pulls on a ball cap and makes to exit the vehicle.

 

Once he makes it through the door into the shop most of Jensen’s apprehension disappears almost instantly. The place is bright and welcoming and the nervous twisting in Jensen’s stomach relaxes somewhat as he takes it all in. The tattoo artist turns out to be a friendly guy and they hit it off fast. He isn’t a huge fan of the show, but he knows enough to know who Jensen is, though honestly that’s not a surprise considering his and Jared’s faces are almost literally everywhere these days. Still, the friendliness goes a long way to further easing that ache inside and Jensen lets himself finally start to relax. After that it’s relatively easy to explain what he’s looking to get done, even if he does keep most of the reason why to himself, and thankfully the guy doesn’t bat an eye over it.

 

He simply directs Jensen over to his station, motioning for him to have a seat in the chair while he gets things set up. Jensen does and before he knows it he’s sitting there with his hoodie pulled halfway off to reveal his left arm, chatting away while the guy works.

 

Time flies by in a blur of conversation and questions and soon enough a couple of hours have passed, and the guy is sitting back with a satisfied grin on his face. “Are you ready to see it?” He asks, looking at Jensen expectantly and just like that the ache is back, fiercer than before.

 

For a moment Jensen doesn’t respond, just barely resisting the urge to reach up and rub at his chest as if that would help make his heart stop feeling like it’s going to pound its way out of his chest. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous—the hard part’s already done, this is just looking in a mirror for fuck’s sake—it’s just a tattoo, right? “Y-yeah.” He finally manages to croak out past his suddenly dry throat, internally wincing at how pathetic it comes out sounding. He takes another moment to fumble for the bottle of water on the stand near his still-clothed side, popping it open and draining half in one go before he finally feels settled enough again to nod. “Let’s do this.”

 

Before he can finish rallying his thoughts the artist holds up a mirror and Jensen can feel his breath catch in his chest. The sweeping dark lines capture his immediate attention; his eyes unconsciously tracing them before slowly pulling back to capture the full image. Beautiful dark wings, carefully outlined, stretch the length of his bicep before wrapping around underneath. It looks like the wings are hugging his arm and it’s not quite the same spot where Cas’ hand print had once laid against his skin, but Jensen can feel Dean is pleased nonetheless. The tugging ache in his chest is still there and _‘fuck it_ ’ Jensen thinks, briefly closing his eyes as he gives in and lets Dean have his moment, unresistant as the gut-clenching pull of grief drags him under.

 

At his side his hands clench into fists, the blunt edges of his nails digging into his palms as he rides the crest of pain. Dean opens his eyes, the tidal wave of grief simmering under the surface as he takes in the sight of Cas’ wings standing out so starkly against his skin. “Jesus, Cas…” He whispers under his breath, voice broken and raw as he struggles to force down the lump that’s firmly lodged into his throat. He didn’t expect this to hurt so much yet he can’t seem to tear his eyes away, despite the burn of unshed tears, from the sight of the wings. They’re beautiful in the way Dean’s always imagined Cas’ wings would be—dark and fierce yet stunning all the same—and it just makes him miss the angel even more.

 

“I-I—Thank you.” Jensen eventually manages to get out, fighting his way back up to the surface as awareness pings at the back of his mind that he needs to say something to fill the silence that’s fallen while he’s been processing all of this. It takes some hard blinking to finally force the tears back where they belong but when he can finally see clearly again he isn’t at all surprised to see the tattoo artist studying him with this little knowing look that makes his breath stutter in his chest.

 

There’s no way the guy can tell what the wings on his arm mean—Jensen was careful not to go into details because the last thing he needed was word getting out he was crazy (never mind the fact the thought’s crossed his mind more than once before) yet the way the guy’s looking at him makes him wonder all the same. “Thanks man.” Jensen says again, completely meaning it because even if the guy doesn’t have a clue as to why someone like him would be fighting back tears after getting his first tattoo Jensen’s pretty sure he gets it anyway.

 

By the time Jensen’s finally made it back into his car again he’s as exhausted as if he’d ran a marathon. This whole thing was far more tiring than he ever could have imagined it’d be and suddenly he’s irrationally glad he didn’t tell anyone he was coming here to do this today. It’s bad enough to be sitting here, head lolled back on the headrest as he tries to pull himself together without the scrutiny of someone else witnessing it.

 

He turns his head to the side, inspecting the slightly padded spot that hides the tattoo under a layer of hoodie sleeve and bandages. He can still feel Dean on the cusp of his mind and just like before the grief is still clinging there yet there’s a measure of peace that wasn’t there earlier. It’s like a balm on an open wound and while things are still far from okay Jensen can’t help but feel it’s a step in the right direction. Perhaps getting a tattoo wasn’t the best way to help ease Dean’s grief but as he reaches to start the ignition Jensen can’t help but feel that he made the right call. Things for Dean may be shitty right now (and for the foreseeable future at least) but with time Jensen has confidence that he can find his peace.

 


End file.
